Guest Blog Drebos: Drebos father, and the Christmas Cat

Growing up one of the things that most defined my childhood was Christmas. Being part of a Jesus loving family meant Christmas was a big deal. Every year my mom acquired more and more Christmas junk that got strewn about the house in December to make it "festive" for Christmas. The day after Thanksgiving was always the worst day of the year because me and my brothers had to haul like 3 metric tons of Christmas gear out of the attic and bring it down to the main level to be disbursed around the house. One year when I was about 8 or 9 we had a cat that was a mischievous little fucker. He decided that leaping into the fully decorated Christmas tree was the best way to celebrate the Yule tide season. That cat kept knocking the entire tree down over and over again. My dad did not approve of that bullshit and one day, about a week before Christmas, he drowned that cat in the toilet right in front of me and my brothers after the cat had knocked the Christmas tree down for like the third time. Now if you've never had a family pet ruthlessly and violently murdered in front of you as a small child, then good for you, you're the big winner here. Needless to say that was a pretty traumatic day and it served to taint Christmas for me going forward. A couple years later we had a different cat, believe me, I have no idea how that happened, and I woke up one day a few days before Christmas and the cat had knocked over an entire ceramic nativity scene off of my mom's piano. The whole set was in pieces and I thought for sure that day was gonna turn into another brutal pet slaughter so I scooped up all the shattered pieces and took them to my room and spent like 5 hours sorting, reassembling and gluing Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all those broken goddamn wise men and shepherds and shit all back together before the damage was discovered and death and destruction reigned supreme over Christmas once again. It took my mom like two years before she realized that anything had happened to that nativity scene and by then that cat had gotten hit by a car so HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT DAD!! So maybe think twice before you talk shit to people who aren't festive during the holiday season all you merry making assholes. Because sometime the night IS dark and full of terrors. Well anyways, Merry Christmas Follow me on Twitter at @chaosdrebos

THE (delayed but better late then never) WEEK 2 HFVS / ALPHONCE BESJAN MEMORIAL FANTASY FOOTBALL ROUND-UP

Whats up you sorry sacks of shit! A little late this week because real life got in the way a bit, but here’s a recap of last week’s fantasy results. I’ll lead off with my dumpster fire of a week

Chocolate Thunder 96.62 – Goodell is Great 89.92

This just sucked for me. A team full of underachieving assholes. You should have heard my locker room talk to them. Actually, you shouldn’t since in 2017 if you raise your voice it’s considered assault. Big performances by the tampa D, big ben, and that junkie scumbag Martavis Bryant were the big dogs on Kita’s team this week. My team just got on its knees and opened wide. Turrible. Moving on

Stoney’s DONG 95.28 – The Poopsocks 61.96

The last two digits of Walts score are the opposite of nice. That’s also a decent way to describe his performance this week.  Stoney had monster numbers from Brady and Crabtree which let him cruise to victory in this one. Walt was the proud recipient of a nice avi for twitter due to his stellar work. If you’d like to see the avi his handle is @dangerdunne. While you’re there, tell him to go fuck himself as well. The world will thank you for it.

Cream Team 97.42 – Jerry Jones Town 69.22 (nice)

Xtine basically whipped out her dynamic D cups and said “whataya got frutzy boy” and that was the end of that. His squad ran away from those warlocks like they were Michael Myers in his prime. Both teams here were fairly balanced in their scoring. X’s team was balanced high. Frotz’s team was balanced low. That’s how these things go generally.

Drip Drop Drebos 88.40 – BurgerBumps 85.44

This one was tighter than a seal’s asshole. In the end, the big swingin dick of Devonta Freeman and Zack Ertz having a rare decent day are what let Drebos steal this one from the freckled soulless hands of this sites founder, Mr. Bumps, who is almost finished getting his life and fish tank back together after Irma.

Alphonce Capone 104.92 – Thread’s #1 Ginger 73.36

Ging came back to earth after putting up a monster week one to fall to Dallas Joe in a blowout. The loss of Jordy Nelson right before the late Sunday game was a big kick in the dick for the self-proclaimed #1 Ginger in the thread. Ty Montgomery and Travis Kelce were the big studs for Joey’s squad, that’s now sitting at the top of the standings. Now for the final matchup: the civil war

Chief’s Disciples 93.88 – Manziel’s Sponsor 72.26

The CHCC civil war ended with king tweet stealer Chief whipping it out and bukkake-ing Mateo like a Japanese porn star with a 20 point mushroom stamp. CJ Anderson exploded for 27 this week to lead the disciples of the weirdest jew on twitter while mateo had an off week. If I’m mateo I’d grab a bee…diet coke and figure this mess out. You cant let your protégé just curb stomp you like that. He took you behind the woodshed and gave you an Alabama ass whoopin for the ages. That’s it for this week kids. Good luck to everyone in week 3! 

Blue Balls Boogie Boards & Book Signings: EPISODE 31 OUT NOW!

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The HFVS / Alphonce Besjan Memorial Fantasy Football League Week 1 Round-Up

GOOOOOD AFTERNOON EVERYBODYYYY (mad dog voice) and welcome to the first weekly breakdown of the HFVS / Alphonce Besjan Memorial Fantasy Football League. I, Richie Rich, will be putting one of these out every week, JUST LIKE STONEY, BURGER, and I PUT OUT A TOP NOTCH PODCAST EVERY WEEK (click here to listen) so lets dive head first into week 1 and open with Drunk Ging vs Chief in the battle of MA supremacy.

Threads #1 Ginger 136.4 – Chiefs Disciples 69.64 (nice)

This matchup was a big deal for 3 reasons. 1) it’s the only one where the projected underdog won this week. 2) the Ging squad EXPLODED for a league high 136 on the back of kareem hunt and his 40 point night amongst other nice pops for the bearded one. And 3) because anytime Chiefy loses, we all win. Next up…..

Cream Team 82.84 – the poopsocks 78.40

In this mixed gender death match between the best boobs in the thread and the Garbage ape, we had a knockdown, drag out contest that had the smallest margin of victory, but in the end its all about the Ws, and the Cream Team, led by Xtine vanquished the poopsocks, captained by everyone’s least favorite human, Walt, to start the season on a high note. Props to Walt tho for starting a New York Jet this past week. That’s ballsy. Dumb, but ballsy. Moving right along….

Jerry Jones Town 82.82 – Drip Drop Drebos 75.34

FFFRRRUUUUUTTTTZZZZZ with the week one win!!!! Hit the fuckin tables like Irma hit Barbuda ya wacky sonofabitch you earned it!!!! This was the second closest matchup of the week with two OGs of scumbag thread life going toe to toe, to see who would be crowned the king of the old men. On this day, the anal hating, boob hair lovin, mentos slingin son of a gun rides off into the sunset with a big week one win. Now onto the only matchup that had stipulations tied to it….

Goodell is Great 75.92 – Stoney’s DONG 48.98

This matchup came with an Avi bet (loser has to change his avi to whatever the winner chooses) and a little bit of smack talk to start things off. At the end of the day tho, Goodell always wins, and this week was no different. Even some questionable gambles by myself (sitting Diggs for B marsh bc Odell was out. Stupid me) were not enough to even make it close, as Stoney received a 27 point mushroom stamp to start the season. But enough rubbing my buddy’s nose in it for this week. Let’s get to the next matchup.

Manziel’s Sponsor 80.96 – Chocolate Thunder 48.32

The other lady of the league took a huge hit this week as Kita took a whoopin from the Sober Sally known as Mateo in a matchup that was marred with bad decisions. Leaving ODB in even tho he was ruled out before kickoff? Not ideal if you want to avoid 32 point losses around these parts. After a solid draft by Ms. Cookie and a solid appearance on the HFVS draft night special (check out our draft special episode), I expected more tbh. But hey, these things happen and we shall see if she can right the ship this week. Mateo, crack open a nice cold ginger ale son, because you earned it (and also bc you don’t drink beer). Onto the final contest of the week….

Alfonce Capone 76.24 – BurgerBumps 65.64

The final matchup of week one was between left & right. The liberal Dallas socialite calculator maven vs the conservative king of the Florida chapter of the Young Republicans. Burger had a lot riding on the two Monday night contests, but at the end of the day it wasn’t enough to overcome the lead that JOEYYYY already established. Hopefully, we don’t have any hurricanes next week so the Bumps squad can get back on track. The good news tho, is that our man Burger and his fam have survived the storm and are ready for what lies ahead this fantasy season.

This upcoming week we have Burger & Drebos in a grudge match for the ages highlighting the schedule, as well as the CHCC civil war which I’m sure should be filled with cheeky hijinks. Until next week my thread compadres, this is Richie Rich signing off. Have a great week you sorry sacks of shit and may all your starting backs get hurt like mine did (had to vent).

Ted Cruz in the running for Mayor of Pervert City

Well there he goes again. Ted Cruz acting like an animal out in these twitter streets. Just prowling around not only putting the like button on proknows but more than likely actually jerkin it right on Twitter. 

Unbelievable really. His team or whoever manages him right now was probably trying to wake him up after he sent that one out. He probably passed out with a goo-belly and woke up to quite the surprise. It could have been way worse though depending on your taste in porno. A guy and two chicks getting on is a respectable category. I would have thought Ted more as a bdsm closet freak or something. 

Maybe Ted thought he was being sly running his spunk game through the twitter vids so there is no history. Crazier things have happened in the name of getting a nut off. I think we should all let Ted slide on this one

BACK TO THE SEAFOOD FEST!

BACK TO THE SEAFOOD FESTIVAL!

This year Miss Stoney and myself decided to go back to the Seafood Festival in Hampton New Hampshire. As you may remember from my blog on BBS last year you will know that this is one of those events that I definitely have a love/hate relationship with. The small coastal town of Hampton NH decides to hold an outdoor festival every year where they close down the strip and most of the local eating establishments and businesses will come out to represent themselves. The set up is nothing more than a few large tents with a few deep fryers and a couple of grills per station but they still manage to produce some pretty good food. 

The main staples of the seafood fest are lobster rolls and chowder. They have plenty of other stuff there to try including sausage and peppers, lobster on a stick, lobster ravioli, crab cakes, fried ice cream, bloomin onions,the whole shebangabang etc. I have been going to this almost every year since I was a little guy so I know what to avoid and what not to. I know that one of the major places like Browns, Rays or Peteys will serve you a decent albeit small roll but the quality will be there. Having experience with these tents I know to stay away from some of the fancier items even tho they may look delicious. I was on the fence about this Tuna poke I saw at this smaller place so I decided to go with the elote instead. I think I made the right choice. 

After going beast mode on some corn on the cob in public at 10am we made sure to try a lobster roll at the Browns seafood booth. Browns isn't anything special but they had a fire a couple weeks ago and it they lost a huge chunk of their summer business so I made sure to buy it there to support local business. They put out a pretty decent standard Lobster Roll. 

In between checking out the food stands we made sure to visit the other main attraction at the Hampton Beach Seafood Festival; The MERCH VENDORS. 

Lots of people talk about how trashy the "Jersey Shore" is but I don't think they could hold a candle to how trashy Hampton and the surrounding areas can get. It is like a mix of Jersey shore and that MTV show that got cancelled because the one of the kids died and the others couldn't stop going to jail. It might be the only place in the world where you will see a realtree/mossy oak sticker on a slammed honda civic. 

T SHIRT GAME STRONG THO.  If you want a dirty slogan T shirt or a just want to let the foreigners know what team you play for then this might be the place for you. The only hard part is getting through the awkward small talk with the Indian store owner as you buy a SLIGHTLY racist T shirt. 

Don't forget to pick up one of these fidget spinners that you can spin, flick and apparently TOSS. No word on the return time once you chuck your spinner in the ocean but how could it be wrong when they put it right there on the banner. 

Another MUST activity for the Seafood Fest is going to one of the old arcades and getting fleeced by the change machine. The most popular game is putting a 5 dollar bill into the change machine and then looking for someone that works there to fix it for you when it breaks. 

I added this picture in just so everyone knows who the skeeball champ is/was. If Miss Stoney says she won then she is a fucking liar. 

One of the last things I ate before I left was some Apple Crisp. Nothing better than some Apple Crisp with a little vanilla ice cream. GOAT fair/carnival/festival/dessert food. 

DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP YOUR FELT SCARECROW ON THE WAY OUT!

follow @5t0ney on twitter and don't forget to listen to our goddamn podcast 

http://traffic.libsyn.com/hfvshow/HFVS_ep_30_JoeyDONE.mp3

We are officially doing more WE ARE BACK blogs.

This week we decided to crank the money making power house that is bad break sports back up and running again. We weren't sitting idly by with out dick in our hands though. We have been very busy with our moderately successful podcast the Handsome Fella Variety Show.

The show has always pulled surprisingly decent numbers for such a small production but recently we have seen a pretty substantial jump. We aren't making fritzy mentos money but we are headed in the right direction. We have also been wanting to get back to blogging and we felt like this new surge of people listening would motivate us to produce the type of work that we did before we let our site get overrun by flaccid Canadian pill popping pirates.

 So check us out on our podcast but also check for our new blogs because blogging has always been one of our favorite things to do and we figured it was about damn time to get back to it.

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